Vampire Rules when living with a Human
by MissyMoeDoe
Summary: Vampires need rules too! Especially with a human in the house.


**PLEASE READ!**

This is a few requests and explanations for said requests.

**Edward**

a. Stop pinching the bridge of your nose. This list IS necessary.

b. Please call a family meeting and have this list read out loud. (remember, it's for my mental stability)

c. I LOVE YOU SOOOO MUCH!

1\. **Carlisle**-

a. Let a human know when you're going to go ahead and sound proof the house. However, I APPRECIATE IT MORE THEN YOU'LL EVER KNOW. (No offense Rose and Emmett but there are some sounds I could go without ever having heard from either of you.)

b. Locks on doors. They still work for us humans. Just because you all can zip right through them, I on the other hand cannot. It will help me from barging in one anyone doing anything. (I'm usually pretty good about knocking but I'm sure there will be times I forget. And with the new sound proofing I can't rely on the disturbing sounds that happen around here to send me running the other way) So yeah, locks. 9.98 at home depot. I checked it out for you.

**2\. ****Esme**

a. If you wouldn't mind please put chocolate on the list of things to pick up from the store for me. LOTS OF IT. (It helps after a disturbing shock.) Coffee flavored ice cream is also a viable alternative. I'll leave cash every Saturday on the counter for it. I have a feeling it's going to take some time to recover.

**3\. ****Alice**

a. I in no way want to ever know how you got into that position. EVER. I don't care if I come to you in a hundred years and ask. I don't care if you are immortal, that just looked painful or at the very least uncomfortable. That being said, I will compliment you on the fact that your evidently very bendy.

b. Please for my sake DO NOT put the butter that I saw on the floor back in the fridge. Scrap it or find a way to keep it with you. In your room. Away from the fridge that houses the food that I eat. (I'll just see if Esme can pick up a different brand, just to be safe)

c. I will no longer be taking a shower, bath or changing clothes anywhere near your room. First, all the surfaces in your room are now suspect as to what they might have had on them. Secondly, I'm not 100% sure but I think that you had an audience watching you through the windows from the tree line.

**4\. ****Jasper**

a. Please refrain from using anything that Rosalie might use on my truck for your and Alice's pleasure. Ex: The jumper cables that you had. I know for a fact they were the same ones that she had _me_ hold before using them to get my truck started last week. I also know they were hers because they were the same Barbi pink and black ones Edward and I gave her last Christmas. (You might want to clean the butter off them before you put them back. Maybe you should just keep them and buy her a new set. That sounds safer.)

b. I don't want to know how or why the door knob to Carlisle's library was greasy or why the entire room smelled like burnt butter. Just please keep the extreme sexcapades confined to your personal space. I had thought at least that room would be safe enough to enter after "the incident". Apparently not. (Not near the books man. Not near the books.) Now I'm afraid to go anywhere near the civil war section.

c. Don't ever, ever, ever look up at me, grin and wink while wearing nothing but assless chaps, holding the aforementioned jumper cables as cover for your privates. As with Alice, I will compliment you on the fact that you seem to be very proficient at multitasking.

d. Please in the future when I knock at your door, don't automatically open the door or yell come in (I won't hear the last one anyway). I realize that (hopefully) you just opening the door was out was out of habit. So use the locks as a weak but possible reminder that you might not want to mentally scar whoever is on the other side. I think I might ask Carlisle to instal a flashing light in your and Alice's room for those times as well. The shock is bad for my health. Not only did I almost have a heart attack, I now am the proud recipient of about a thousand bruises because I backed up so fast I fell down the stairs. (For real though, don't worry about it. Once I came to, Carlisle assured me that nothing was broken.)

**5\. ****Emmett**

a. Please, no practical jokes using anything that might have come from Alice and Jaspers room. If you do not take heed of this request I will have no other option then to retaliate. Take note, I have no qualms about using "personal" items of some of my more furry friends.

b. The 5 dollars I owe you from the bet about which one is freakier, Alice or Rosalie, will be on the table with the money for the items to help in my recovery. (I know, I know. Never bet against Alice)

**6\. ****Rosalie**

a. I really have nothing to ask you to or not do seeing as how you avoid me like the plague. (On a personal note though, I would totally check all of the items in your garage to see if anything seems wrong or off about them. Oh and you might be missing a car battery. If so, check either the library or Alice's room.)

**Sincerely, **

**Bella**


End file.
